I’m writing this on a Sunday night; I showered and was getting ready for bed when I had a thought and then realised that I hadn’t gone out all weekend.
I hadn’t grabbed my handbag and I hadn’t gotten in my car since I finished work on Friday.
I cannot remember a time in my adult life where I’ve stayed home two days in a row where I was not unwell, sick or recovering from surgery.
I’ve now been on my ADHD meds for 4 months.
I had a phone consult with the prescribing psychiatrist on Thursday and we talked about changing my meds; I'm clenching my teeth a lot, my jaw is so sore and my mouth is so dry.
Prescribing Psych is worried that I’m causing damage to my teeth and asked if I’d consider changing meds to see if it’ll improve the 'mouth' issues but I respectfully declined.
Apart from the mouth stuff I feel like I’m doing well; my brain is calmer, I’m not as reactive and I’m responding differently to overwhelm.
Why would I risk changing meds and possibly undoing all the great things I’ve been noticing in this short time?
I’m still a little distracted and I still talk quite a lot.
When I put plans into action I’m able to focus on the one task and complete it.
I’m getting better at writing lists and checking off what’s been completed; I’m also processing my surroundings in a more subtle manner which means I’m not as reactive.
A perfect example of this is when my suitcase was lost on the way to a recent overseas holiday.
I wasn’t reactive; I did what needed to be done and moved forward with completing the actions required by the lost baggage department. I was tired and upset but somewhat calm and determined.
Pre-meds Me and in particular Me from 10 years ago would’ve lost her shit.
My brain is calm(er) therefore I'm able to process thoughts with more ease and I'm genuinely allowing myself the time to take in my surroundings. I'm also really, really observing (my) people's behaviours and able to see them insightfully 'different'.
I'm not feeling the desperation of needing to know everything at all the times; I remember when Boyfriend and I first met he was quiet (and I wasn't) and just about every 5 minutes I'd be asking him what he was thinking. I'd get frustrated that he didn't want to talk all the time like I did. (22 year old Me really did drive 21 year old Boyfriend batty).
I now have greater capacity to sit, listen and wait.
Life is shifting direction; with these shifts I believe (and hope) there may be opportunities for personal relationships to also shift, grow and/or evolve.
Growth for all relationships are welcome.
When Prescribing Psych asked if I thought I was on the correct dose of meds or if I'd prefer to increase the strength I let him know that for now where I'm at is good enough.
I'm not exactly sure where this part of my journey will take me but what I do know is right now I'm in a better place to where I was this time last year.
My current personal goals are for improved self awareness, to feel comfortable and capable within my own skin, to work smarter - not harder and to better my best.
I am grateful for those who have reached out to check in and see how I'm going and I'm also grateful for those who have vulnerably shared their own experiences with me.
I share my experiences hoping that something I write or share may find its way to someone who may need answers but can't find the right questions.
Since starting this journey with ADHD meds I have shared many conversations with many women in their 40's who have or are now considering getting assessed.
I hope the more we talk about these experiences, the more we learn about ourselves, and by sharing our experiences and stories that others will then have a better understanding of what it's like to be neurodiverse.
Stay tuned, it's only 4 months in and I'm pretty sure there'll definitely be more to come.
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